kok leong

kopi_tehoh @ 2009-04-20T03:14:00

2009-04-19T19:10:31Z

nothing beats this feeling right now..nothing...

worse ever...

kopi_tehoh @ 2008-11-24T19:45:00

2008-11-24T11:52:45Z

In this world, people hid in their haven. I tumbled out of it getting lost in the unbounded galaxy. But where is my sanctuary?

kopi_tehoh @ 2008-10-09T17:47:00

2008-10-09T09:58:58Z

slping at 10am isnt exactly what i had anticipated. but yea it did allow me time to think about myself and others. what is it about myself that i dislike, what about others? what do they not like me about? what do i not like about others.

why do i find myself trying so hard to pls others sometimes so much so that i hate myself for doing it but stll continue with it anyway. the animosity between me and myself have become so integral in my life that i think i have become addicted to it. The addiction of hating myself to make me feel better. some pple call it self despair i think, but this opium of despair have somehow allowed me to survive in my inner world or be eliminated.

people say what goes around comes around..twice...

kopi_tehoh @ 2008-09-20T01:08:00

2008-09-19T17:29:30Z

Time to wave goodbye,
cause i dun wana see you in my dreams
Standing at a distance
your figurine shrinks,
your reality makes me wonder
If i was ever awake to hear you whisper.

my lips brush past your eyebrows
a quiver of sadness cuts my skin
i bleed to know
it might be our last time together

at the stroke of midnight the clock struck one
i turn around and see you running.
only cinderella has a perfect ending
because its a fairytale
that you and i were never meant to be

cheers darlin'

2008-09-17T17:28:31Z

Cheers darlin'
Here's to you and your lover boy
Cheers darlin'
I got years to wait around for you
Cheers darlin'
I've got your wedding bells in my ear
Cheers darlin'
You give me three cigarettes to smoke my tears away
And I die when you mention his name
And I lied, I should have kissed you
When we were runnin' in the rain

What am I darlin'?
A whisper in your ear?
A piece of your cake?
What am I, darlin?
The boy you can fear?
Or your biggest mistake?

Cheers darlin'
Here's to you and your lover man
Cheers darlin'
I just hang around and eat from a can
Cheers darlin'
I got a ribbon of green on my guitar
Cheers darlin'
I got a beauty queen
To sit not very far from here

I die when he comes around
To take you home
I'm too shy
I should have kissed you when we were alone
what am I darlin'?
A whisper in your ear?
A piece of your cake?

What am I, darlin?
The boy you can fear?
Or your biggest mistake?
Oh what am I? What am I darlin'?
I got years to wait...

kopi_tehoh @ 2008-09-07T00:05:00

2008-09-06T16:16:53Z

just like old times with tea by my side
etched and imprinted with nowhere to hide
with a pensieve mind i question thee
why thou has not smile, a smile used to be
moments of silence answer it
knowing it,
i feel no regret nor anger in,
inside of me, inside of me
i just wish,
it was
just like old times with tea by my side

random thoughs tht led to weird shit like tht..

kopi_tehoh @ 2008-07-13T23:10:00

2008-07-13T15:19:09Z

such beautiful things had to end in such a silent, upsetting way, like how a falling leaf peacefully lay down at its burial ground in which before it was at its pinnacle of life.

people always say "but memories live in your heart forever". They never realise that it always take an ending for memories to be that real. It is the ending that sends you running towards that memory you become so afraid to lose now...and forever...

kopi_tehoh @ 2008-06-08T14:16:00

2008-06-08T06:22:13Z

I asked her to stay but she wouldn't listen
She left before I had the chance to say
The words that would mend the things that were broken
But now it's far too late, she's gone away

Every night you cry yourself to sleep
Thinking: "Why does this happen to me?
Why does every moment have to be so hard?"
Hard to believe that

Can your virtue ever become your vice?

kopi_tehoh @ 2008-05-08T00:46:00

2008-05-07T16:48:25Z

does result really speaks for itself...i have not felt that awful for a long long time...makes me wonder if all the effort i put in for is worth its value...i tell people results is not all that matters..but when the 2nd Cplus came out..i just sank...

kopi_tehoh @ 2008-04-20T21:27:00

2008-04-20T13:40:40Z

"Intellect is in itself a mode of exaggeration, and destroys the harmony of any face"

Is intellect really the stagnation of beauty. If it is realy true of such a statement, can this gap ever be bridged? Such intricacies of intellect and beauty.

kopi_tehoh @ 2008-04-10T00:13:00

2008-04-09T16:24:40Z

exams?? what exams..what difference does it make whether it is exam period or not..the school is as pack as a normal day..people are mugging as usual..nothing has changed in school..tons of people packed in the library, the number never seems to dwindle..am i living the life i want? or is the pressure of wanting something better in the future forcing me into this situation..in economics we call it our intertemporal bundle..where i supposedly would want to suffer now and then have a better future...can all things really be explained by economics?

sometimes econs is amazingly fun to me..sometimes it can be such a dread i would sacrifice anything to study econs..

my guts for doing things seems to have fallen to a dramatically low level...

i sat there today..staring at my book..in my mind i kept thinking about something else..the existence beside me..does the existence knows? i can only guess..sometimes the existence makes me wana go there and just admit...yes your needed existence..sometimes i jus wana forget about its existence and pretend we are as what we are before..

im losing my confidence..im losing my belief..and im losing feel like im losing this existence..can someone help me out there??

when you try your best but you dont succeed
when you get what you want but not what you need

kopi_tehoh @ 2008-03-18T21:18:00

2008-03-18T13:27:46Z

and when the time came to shed a tear, i lay still, not knowing where that precious tear left me
when the time came to tell you how i feel, i stood unmoving, not knowing if i should
when the time came to say goodbye, i stay mute, not realising thats the last word i can say to you,
when the time for you to leave came, i sat still, regretting my decision not to beg you to stay,
and when i am left all alone, i cried, not knowing when i would stop

why did i hesitate, i ask myself
what should i do, i ask myself
why did i not act, i blame myself
why do i regret, why do i....

INSIGHT ALERT

2008-03-16T09:35:36Z

As i talk and read and understand, i become less of a believer. Ok mayb not less but then i began to question. What is with intellectuality, philosophy, pursuit of knowledge and excellence that people nowadays are so into. Are these qualities how we set about defining ourselves? or are these qualities what dilutes our identity? SO much so that everyone else is now in competition to learn, to know, to better and to become..

do we live for these so called qualities or do they manifest in us and society so much we become abhorent when we think it is missing within us and obnoxiously arrogant when we possess them. Granted im exaggerating the situation here a bit, but you get the drift.

We have 7 As students now trying to do some last minute community service to fluff up their resume, attachment stints jus so that they get to where they desire. WHAT..your IVY league, harvard, oxford, MIT and LSE. These supposed scholars are being churned out like some merhandise they lose their WOW aura like years like. It seems to me now that they are "transposed" frm being the creme de la creme to an ubiquitious bunch of bean sprouts.

Can we not live in an era of peace and harmony?haha. Of each individual striving to be his best, but not in relation to others. Of helping others but in an altruistic manner. To compete with others but in the name of fun and bonding. To live life not in obsession but in happiness for others as well as ur own.

What an irony it wld be now if one of you readers go to the library and borrow a book by aristotle or plato so as to understand about the phiosophy of happiness. HAHA

kopi_tehoh @ 2008-03-10T23:29:00

2008-03-10T15:55:48Z

Ariel by Sylvia Plath

Stasis in darkness.
Then the substanceless blue
Pour of tor and distances.

God's lioness,
How one we grow,
Pivot of heels and knees! ---The furrow

Splits and passes, sister to
The brown arc
Of the neck I cannot catch,

Nigger-eye
Berries cast dark
Hooks ---

Black sweet blood mouthfuls,
Shadows.
Something else

Hauls me through air ---
Thighs, hair;
Flakes from my heels.

White
Godiva, I unpeel ---
Dead hands, dead stringencies.

And now I
Foam to wheat, a glitter of seas.
The child's cry

Melts in the wall.
And I
Am the arrow,

The dew that flies,
Suicidal, at one with the drive
Into the red

Eye, the cauldron of morning.

And so people said that this poem by Plath is from Shakespeare's Tempest. Because in his play there is a character called Ariel who is an airy spirit. But anyways thats not the point. I just think this poem is wonderfully written. I dun really gte what it means though except its sad.But aint the beauty of poems like in the fact that sometimes you feel it even though u cant grasp its meaning? and some poets have a habit of not wanting to express the full meaning but rather people postulate and postulate..haha

And so the last line is what i like best (well im sry angie if it sounded similar to your entry..haha..too bad)

IDIOTS

2008-02-29T07:37:25Z

some people really can be deemed fit to be called an idiot. especially one of my LTB project group person (notice i dont even use the word mate). Her brain injury really shoud have just killed her. IM sorry to be so mean but she deserves it.

Much as i hate ltb, i really felt sorry for those autistic students when we had icebreaker session with them yesterday. Though i wasnt in the section as DIgusting (lets just call her that) but one of my ltb mate was saying she scold the kids because they din not play the games we had for them or were not very enthu about it.

She was almost on the verge of scolding the kids. and after which she sent out an email to us saying i quote the para

"anyway i'm sorry i came off a bit harsh today but some of them are quite idiotic. & i'm treating them as if they are normal kids who'd be punished if they don't cooperate. anw, these kids are too much! easy games, they complain it's boring. but when it's too hard, they also complain (like that boy just now). s'poreans are a complaining lot. that's why i kept insisting that they shld appreciate it that we actually take the time to prepare such games for them. not complain. kick the complaining habit & try to appreciate instead!"

What the fuck is wrong with her..calling them idiotic and not appreciating. hello DIsgusting, if they can do what u want them to they would not be called autistic children! doesnt she have any compassion for them at all..

when i talked to them yeesterday, it was so saddening to see them not being able to comprehend me sometimes but at the same time it felt happy to me when they start talking to me even though it was it was simple things like mrts and buses and school. though i did complained they talked a lot, but in my heart it felt good being able to talk to them, even for a brief moment.

The few times when i din know what to say and they came up to me and talked to me, you couldnt imagine. many see autistic students as weird, rowdy and introvert but some of them are really nice. you have to interact with them to knwo how it feels.

its not a sense of pity i feel but sympathy for them(theres a difference). but seeing all those teachers who are so dedicated to themand their smile when they talk to you, it dawns on me suddenly, that there are actually people who needs our care and there are people who are truly altruistic in wanting to help the needed and brightening up theiur day.

We have to admit that in the midst of our hectic life, somehow have we really paused to help these people out? Does it really have to take a school module even on community service to force us to appreciate the things you have. Now i think i will try to be more appreciative of myself as well as my friends who have been there when you need them.

THANK YOU.

kopi_tehoh @ 2008-02-27T23:23:00

2008-02-27T15:24:37Z

fuck lah.typed like 5 para and my sis had to swtcih off the wireless..now its all gone..im too lazy to retype..

life fucking stinks now..screw life seriously..why the fuck do i have to be in smu

kopi_tehoh @ 2008-02-24T22:08:00

2008-02-24T14:22:32Z

finally its the school hols.a week of hell is making me depress.3 presentations in a week..killer shit man...lack of slp..lack of social skills..and tmr we r gona go yitwens hse to get drunk..haha..how bad can it be..

oh yea..worse..i cut my hair armystyle today..thought it was cooln old school..but after i looked at it..damn..regret..oh wells..lucky its the hols or else i would just not go to sch..

hopefully all my 3 presentations would be graded well enough for me to feel good and not any worse. microecons is coming up in week 9 and i haven touched it yet..theres ltb csp..twc report..comms hw..etc etc..so much work in a week of hols..what kinda hol do u call it...

late night, come home.work sucks i know.she left me roses by the stairs...
this is what im listening to now as im typing..

what am i doing with my life now..where is there still time for me to be in a relationship..haha..

kopi_tehoh @ 2008-02-13T09:42:00

2008-02-13T01:57:17Z

have you ever tried listening to a song 20 times over (or maybe even more) and still not get sick of it? sometimes it happpens to me. the song just gets stuck in your head and it plays within you over and over again. u listen to it, you sing to it, u study with it. i wonder how it happens

school has never been worst. what with ltb twc n comms presentations coming up. 3 consecutive presentations in row.what more can i ask for? doesnt help that some of my members are not exactly what you wld call a grp member. they are prob more likened to be a leech or like some foetus inside the others. and this stupid member keeps asking to be assigned task when she din turn up for the meeting. feeling guilty and scared i guess. whats with these people man..

oh yea.i got a pair of new shoes.looks purple..ok well its purple laces and in design but i like it.looks cool when i bought it and still cool now when im looking at it during twc and typing away. and why does the prof have to talk about airplanes and cars? one of these days i will just kidnapp him and throw him into an airplane and force him to skydive (without the parachute).

exhaustion is setting in..brain is not functioning as i want it...things come in and out of my mind..

have you ever gotten tired to the point you just wana ripe yourself apart? leave me a note if you do

kopi_tehoh @ 2008-02-07T23:25:00

2008-02-07T15:40:21Z

the musty stench of the room gives me the creeps.When i lie on the bed it gives me a bad dream.
My life is like the musty stench. My life is also like the bed. Who can i rely onto give me comfort in my room. Which can convey my message. How will i sleep without the bed. How can i sleep with the stench.

When you try your best, but you don't succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse?

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
Could it be worst?

what is a memory?
its just like a cage
what are you then?
you are just my caged animal
how did you get here?
you put me inside
are you happy inside?
would u wana be caged

kopi_tehoh @ 2008-02-04T13:29:00

2008-02-04T05:41:31Z

ok cant believe tht im actually so bored i am lj-ing in econs class..but seriously when u see my prof you wld agree with what i say. mid terms for econs is gone. ltb is half gone. twc n comms in week 7..2 weeks and we haven even start..need i say more?

well when you study and study have you thought about why your going through so much trouble for? for just that degree? if not then what?

CNY is coming soon but somehow the mood doesnt seem to diffuse much into me or anyone i know for tht matter.

on a side note i am much happier beating jacq in tower bloxx. BUT (theres always a but) i did it like 1 day too late..damn..now its time to pawn jose but somehow he managed to raise it by 2 bloxx yesterday.

Jus to remnisense abit, RK on sat night was quite fun. somehow we ended up playing some batsu game. I was the supposed comedian whose suppse to make others laugh..but im proud to say it nv did take me too much effort..esp when its with yin and angie..oh i mean yinz ch ch ch and angie eg eg eg..haha..and btw when angie laughs, it looks like she was crying..u know like those jap anime..where they exaggerate it so much u duno whats going on..

we should play the game again soon..and MS TAN YIN YIN faster come back to celebrate cny with us...haha..

CIAO (i wonder why angie finds it so amusing)

40cents: when you love someone but it goes to waste..

kopi_tehoh @ 2008-01-28T00:38:00

2008-01-27T17:30:21Z

ok its been a long time since i last lj. and so under the constant bugging of yin i decided to do some posting before i totally stop it.haha.

went for cognitare on fri without slp. 14 hours through the night was a mental torture and after which we had to present right away.I din even bathe and looked totally awful. but my team mates were nice and did most of the work.haha. Thanks guys. din get into the finals but still it was a good experience still. had fun with my econs frens though i dun think they had fun since i did all the talking only.haha.and after which i slpt for 16 hrs str..nv in my life have i slpt thatlong before.cognitare..haha

went back to sch today..but was still darn too tired to do anything.basically was just laughing my ass off the jap tetris and their english though i have already watched it before..and the stupid mda music video.totally lame.but angie was totally into it or something..she laughs so much i feel her mouth is dropping out already..haha

after dinner it was somewhat a bit of an emo period for me. have no idea what also.feels like im drifting away..in and out. and the music they are playing..makes me feel like i am floating around..cant really describe..

i rem jacq once had this project about escapism and thus i was thinking about it in starbucks..what really does it mean to me. i think people is my escape. what makes me forget and calm i use it to escape. but then when i think about it again, really, in the midst of me escaping i always somehow end up at the start, trying to escape.In the end, the inevitable is still the unescapable. i am prob just running around in circles i din even noticed.

ok too tired to cont after having to tolerate things i wish i dun have to..ciao

40cents: i need some waking pills

kopi_tehoh @ 2008-01-13T23:26:00

2008-01-13T15:32:57Z

i just have an urge to write something but my minds in a blank now. but the tao huey with yitwen n yin yest was nice..and there was some funny stuff going on..haha..went to the hostel lounge after that to hang out a bit..the massage that i gave and was given..dont try it at home..but you guys can ask yin yin and yitwen how it felt..right??
next time when u wana attack yin..aim for the legs.. :p

joined the cognitare competiton with mel yen n huiwen..well hope we get into the finals!! and i m too lazy to continue anymore..shall do it another day..wish me luck

40: i think therefore i am...is it really what you think you are?

kopi_tehoh @ 2008-01-09T21:44:00

2008-01-09T14:00:01Z

ok i haven posted for a long time..almost want to exterminate this lj but after i saw yin yin post i decide i shall keep it for now..so many things to lj but i duno where to start..so i will not start..jus in general.
went to coffee bean with yin yest..sat for 3 hrs..today sat with angie..at the same coffe bean(the seat was one seat away) and sat for another 3 hours..hope i dun have to seat there tmr again.but then again the talks i had with them was fun, interesting and quite close to the heart but i wont elaborate more..yins one was more of crap shit plus "girls talk" sounds damn gay but oh wells..haha
angie on the other hand was more intellectually stimulating..haha..right angie??but overall it was an enjoyable talk..other than the whole talk about singapore politics which ended no where because of some miscommunications. Have been hanging out quite a lot these days before sch gets busy again..oh side track..angie pls dun misunderstand me..it wasnt meant to offend u..haha..seriously..

how wld i be able to live life without my wonderful frens..

lying side by side and arms to arms
there they are protecting me from harm
when fear struck me, their shield forms
when i sense joy, its because of them
what are friends to you dear listener
i hope u have friends like i do

40: religion is the opium of people

kopi_tehoh @ 2008-01-02T13:30:00

2008-01-02T05:43:48Z

new years eve godlike at jacqs hse...everyone was crazy..even yitwen was on the ball..haha..taupok was so bad..my jaws are hardly moving now..i have a hard time trying to open my mouth..let alone chewing them..but well the booze and fun was well worth it..had half the mind to detail out what we did..but then i guess not..too long..ok this is a sudden emo..so i will do it later

kopi_tehoh @ 2007-12-26T15:08:00

2007-12-26T07:20:35Z

time for some updates..christmas eve was quite well spent for the first time..went over to rach hse for a dinner sorta and her family was quite nice..games was a bit er..but nonetheless fun..food was good too. but strangely, her mum saw me sitting in one corner towards the end and decided to strike up a conv with me.but what a weird conv it was alrite..about her giving birth to her 3 children and telling me how heavy they weigh. like rach ur 6 and a half pounds..haha..oh and rach pls send me those photos we took aites..

suppose to meet vj n ally but they are weird and so i shall not elaborate more on it. ended up at gardens with jose n yitwen and i reached at 2. coz i spent ahlf the time walking from mrt to inside gardens and then walking home after.how sweet. but it was quite fun with sme stupid jokes here and there and the soccer philosophy of girls..haha

yest was spent at mika's hse..we did white chicks and borat but 21 grams..hmm..after which the next 3 hrs was spent playing games..the 2nd game was hilarious..mika looks like shes having a fit with her huge eyes when shes psycho and was damn psycho when shes suppose to be paranoid..haha..and as usually..i cldnt pull of that sexy look and ended up looking like joel to jacq.. :(

but still..no matter how happy it is..nothing beats the feeling inside of me right now..heart-wrenching feelings that squeezes out every drop of happiness you try so hard to keep..in the end its still a broken hope never to be fufilled.

40: people learn line dancing so that they can be excellent linesmen.